Do You Have A High Conflict Parent?
Spotting High Conflict Parents
What are the behaviors of a high conflict parent? You know there is always conflict, but at times it is difficult to pinpoint the reason why. For example, there is always conflict and often destructive communication patterns because HCPs thrive on conflict and “emotional dramas.” This is quite different than patterns in healthier relationships. For example, although every healthy relationship has some level of conflict (called rupture), it is the ability to repair the relationship that allows it to flourish, thrive and grow. For instance, effective repair allows people to get closer and have deeper positive emotions for each other. Healthy individuals have effective repair skills like true empathy and the ability to see things from the others’ perspective. They can self-reflect and see how they may have harmed another, and they take responsibility for what they have done to hurt or offend them. Unfortunately, research supports that many HCPs are not able to engage in effective repair due to their personality deficits (Lester & Godwin, 2021).
How They Solve Problems: They Don’t
Imagine a computer that is missing a fundamental program. While some aspects may run smoothly, other parts keep short circuiting when you try to use them because of this missing program. For instance, an HCP may have a successful career, may be a great financial provider, or be well touted in the community. They may have demonstrated acts of kindness to neighbors and other obligations alike, but there are major short circuits that cause relational harm when dealing with their close interpersonal relationships, particularly their children. For example, their programs are defective or missing in areas such as resolving conflict and the ability to regulate their emotions. These programs are defective and do not work properly, thus they are prone to irrational, impulsive, and abusive problem solving because they “short circuit.” Therefore, the short circuiting in the system creates “dramas” which are both inherently pathological and a malfunctioning problem-solving method. I know if you are reading this book, I know you have had your share of “dramas” with your HCP parent.
Stop the drama! The way they deal with conflict.
According to experts in the field of personality disturbance (Lester & Godwin, 2021) “dramas” are ways HCP’s solve problems. Drama cycles create new problems and extend current problems. Four ways to identify if you are in a drama cycle would be to identify if you feel continuous: (a) confusion, (b) upset, (c) distress, and (d) conflict. One example of a drama cycle is getting other family members involved in a conflict they are having with you, versus a mature approach of working it out with you directly (triangulating). Another common example would be re-writing history, saying that something did not happen when it did (gaslighting). Many of these dynamics have been coined “toxic” because they are very harmful over time. Quite often, they are correlated with personality disorders, often undiagnosed.
Broadly speaking, these “toxic” traits usually associated with Cluster B personality disorders these include diagnoses such as Narcissistic, Antisocial, and Borderline Personality Disorders. Sociopathy and psychopathy are used interchangeably in popular culture to describe personalities and behaviors on this spectrum, but these are not actual diagnoses found in the DSM-5 but are linked with antisocial personality disorder. It can be very confusing to the public and clinicians alike because there is so much overlap between symptoms and behaviors of many personality disorders. The point is that personality most experts agree that they are “untreatable” because they are ingrained parts of the personality.
Alternatively, your high conflict parent could be suffering from another diagnosed or undiagnosed disorder like bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia, or you may be an adult child of an alcoholic. All these disorders are correlated with volatile and harmful behaviors in relationships. There is often an improvement in behaviors and relationships when these mental illnesses are addressed through medication, sobriety, and effective coping skills. Sadly, many are left untreated and even unrecognized due to stigmas in society pursuing help for mental health. Or worse, denial by your parent that they even have a problem due to a lack of self-awareness. They likely blame you and take no responsibility at all.
Relationship Success (or Not?) Rupture and Repair
7 Things to Consider When Dealing With High Conflict Personalities
- Rupture and Repair. Does the person possess the characteristics to engage in effective relationship rupture and repair? Do they take responsibility for their actions? Do they have empathy, and do they listen and validate your position? Are they emotionally mature? If not, if you want to maintain a relationship your strategies must change.
- Radical Acceptance: It is important to accept reality exactly the way that it is without expecting change. Radical means all the way. This DBT principle defined by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D. means to accept not only things but people who they are and this includes their limitations and changing your expectations. With HCP’s, this means that their behaviors and ways of communicating and interpreting reality will likely not change. What can change are your strategies and understanding of their personality limitations.
- Grieve: Grieving is not always limited to those who have died; grief also exists while people are living. Often, grieving the loss of who you thought the person was part of the healing process and the relationship you wish to have, but cannot. Often clients yearn for a closer relationship with people they “should” have closer relationships with. For example, a client may wish they had a “normal mother” that can go through life processes such as having a baby, etc, and wonder why that is not possible no matter how hard they try. While grieving the closeness you want to have with a sibling, parent, or partner may never happen, this does not mean you cannot have a relationship. However, the relationship may lack what you truly want or need and you may wish things could be different.
- Realize you will never be able to reason with the unreasonable. This can be referred to as the “healing fantasy” (Gibson, 2016) where you hope that someday they will come to their senses if you just make your point, convince them to see how they have harmed you, etc. If they could, they likely would but are unable to because of their emotional immaturity. Letting go of the fantasy and wishful thinking and accepting reality is key.
- Mindfulness Skills: Mindfulness skills include observing what is happening around you and detaching. This can be particularly useful because if you prepare yourself by observing the interaction and observing how others behave helps detach emotionally (Lindsay, 2015). If you find yourself becoming emotional, remind yourself to “detach” and communicate factually.
- Distance and Doses: Distance can refer to physical or emotional distance depending on your boundaries and what will help you stay healthy and emotionally safe. For example. setting time limits on interactions may help manage the relationship. This may include only interacting on the phone for 15 minutes, limiting text messages, or even not responding to emotionally laden texts or e-mails.
- Manage the relationship, do not engage. Managing the relationship means focusing on the outcome of the interaction, not the relationship itself. For example, perhaps it is a holiday, and your goal is “to have a nice time/visit”. The goal should not be to “work out things emotionally” or you have not radically accepted changing your expectations. This is a hard step for most clients initially. Managing the relationship can include re-directing the conversation to lighter topics, distractions, or common goals such as activities, stories, etc.
Copyright 2022: Tracy Hutchinson, Ph.D.
Would you like more information about trauma therapy in Ft. Myers, FL or online therapy in Rochester, New York? Contact Dr. Hutchinson today »
Dr. Hutchinson is a trauma and EMDR therapist offering online therapy in New York and online therapy in Florida.
Would you like to learn more or EMDR therapy in Rochester, NY or Ft. Myers, FL? Contact Dr. Tracy Hutchinson today »
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