Have you ever walked away from a conversation with a parent, partner, or sibling feeling drained, confused, or like you’re always the one to blame? That you don’t have a lot of conflicts with others, but these particular few? The relationship is full of drama, tension, intermingled with maybe some good times? If so, you’re not alone—and it might not just be about “communication styles.” In many cases, it’s something deeper, harder to name, and even harder to confront: the lasting impact of undiagnosed personality disorders with our family members, and/or partners. Although in popular culture most coin the term “narcissist”; there are several undiagnosed disorders that may be the culprit of the underlying problem. These high-conflict personalities include substance use and alcoholism, but also something lesser known to the public— personality disorders. and many times, cannot be changed and are resistant to treatment.
As a therapist and professor with decades of experience, I’ve sat across countless adults who struggle with anxiety, shame, or a deep sense of emotional confusion in their relationships. What they often share in common is a background shaped by family members like parents, partners, etc, with untreated mental health issues that are often left untreated. In fact, aside from their personal relationships they can thrive in society and professionally being “successful”.
These disorders—such as narcissistic, borderline, or avoidant personality disorder—don’t always present in ways that scream “clinical.” Instead, they’re often masked by charm, intensity, or denial. But their emotional fingerprints remain: chronic self-doubt, questioning reality, guilt that doesn’t belong to you, being emotionally alone, emotional caretaking, or an inability to set healthy boundaries.
Why This Often Goes Unnoticed
Personality disorders can be difficult to identify, even by professionals. When a family member struggles with these issues but is never formally diagnosed—or refuses to seek help—their behavior becomes part of the family’s “normal.” Children adapt. Adults rationalize. And over time, unhealthy patterns pass from one generation to the next.
Many people who grow up in these environments don’t realize how deeply their early experiences shaped them. They may find themselves repeating cycles—choosing emotionally unavailable partners, emotionally abusive or neglectful relationships, avoiding conflict at all costs, or feeling responsible for others’ emotions.
The Cost of Silence
Experts in the field of personality disturbance argue that it is vital to understand different personality disorder traits in order to recognize and approach relationships with these individuals in more effective, self-protective ways (Gibson, 2019, Lester, 2021; Godwin, 2021, Simon, 2011)—by, for example, recognizing and accepting that communication may be difficult if not impossible with a personality-disordered, emotionally immature parent. “Fixing” the relationship may be an unrealistic expectation; often, it’s better to manage it, or, if possible, simply disengage.
Naming the Pattern, Start the Healing
That’s one of the core reasons I wrote Adult Children of High Conflict Parents: Find Freedom from Your Past Heal the Pain of Toxic Relational Trauma and Cultivate Lasting Self-Love—to help people name what they’ve experienced and begin the process of healing (New Harbinger Publications). Whether you’ve experienced emotional manipulation, gaslighting, or felt like the “invisible child” in your family, you deserve clarity. And healing begins with both understanding and identifying the underlying problem. I have helped countless clients find relief, understanding, and healing when they find out the problematic family member has an underlying and serious mental health issue.
In the book, I break down common but often-missed patterns connected to mental health issues including alcoholism, substance abuse, personality disorders and provide tools for identifying their presence in your own family story. But more importantly, I offer a framework for how to move forward—with compassion, boundaries, and insight.
You Are Not Alone
If this resonates with you, know this: there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not “too sensitive.” You’re not imagining things. You’re beginning to awaken to truths that may have been buried or minimized for years.
And that is the first—and most powerful—step toward healing.
Take a Steps to Heal
If you’re ready to explore these patterns and begin making sense of your emotional story with your parents or family members, I invite you to learn more about Adult Children of High Conflict Parents—a guide to understanding the hidden dynamics that shape adult lives and relationships.
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Copyright 2022: Dr. Tracy Hutchinson, Ph.D.
Would you like to learn more or need a EMDR therapist in Rochester, NY or Ft Myers, FL. Contact Dr. Tracy Hutchinson today »
References
Azad Hemmati et al. “Differential Profile of Three Overlap Psychiatric Diagnoses Using Temperament and Character Model: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis of Avoidant Personality Disorder, Schizoid Personality Disorder, and Social Anxiety Disorder.” Annals of Indian psychiatry (Online) 6.1 (2022): 15–26.
Dingfelder, S. (2004). Treatment for the ‘untreatable’. American Psychological Association, 35 (3).
Gibson, L. (2019). Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents. New Harbinger Publications.
Godwin, A, & Lester, G. (2021). Demystifying Personality Disorders: Clinical Skills for Working with Drama and Manipulation (PESI).
Lester, G. W. (2018). Advanced Diagnosis Treatment, and Management of DSM-5 Personality Disorders. Ashcroft Press.
Simon, G. ( 2011 ). Character Disturbance. The Phenomenon of Our Age.
