Many adult children of dysfunctional or toxic homes become exceptionally independent, that others may see strength.

Success.

Self-sufficiency.

And while all of this is true on the outside, it may be a coping mechanism because of what they dealt with growing up. What they don’t always see is what that independence may have cost. Have you ever noticed a difference between being independent and feeling like you have to do everything yourself?

For some, “I don’t need anyone” wasn’t a conscious choice. It was an adaptation. Or doing everything for your family, partner, and general overfunctioning is because you don’t really trust anyone to get things done.

Growing up, when support felt inconsistent, unavailable, unpredictable, or unsafe, learning to rely on yourself may have been the only option. This can be physical support such as monetary, but also deeply needed and never provided emotional support, connection, attunment and validation.

The problem is that what helps us survive childhood doesn’t always help us thrive in adulthood. Healing doesn’t mean becoming dependent on others.It means learning that safe, healthy support can exist: and that you don’t have to carry everything alone. Moreover, you may not be doing this on purpose, you may truly feel this way and behave this way unconsciously and automatically because of the attachment style you developed with an irratic and inconsistent care giver.

For instance, avoidant attachment styles develop often through inconsistency or neglect. Disorganized attachment develops through confusing and incosistent caregiving which may be loving and caring one minute, and frightening the next to a child.

These are themes I explore more deeply in my book…. 📕 Adult Children of High-Conflict Parents, where we take a closer look at how these early experiences shape us—and how we can begin to move forward in a different way. Order here

Would you like more information about trauma therapy in Ft. Myers, FL or online therapy in Rochester, New York? Contact Dr. Hutchinson today »

Dr. Hutchinson is a trauma and EMDR therapist offering online therapy in New York and online therapy in Florida.

Copyright: 2026: Tracy Hutchinson, Ph.D

References

Hutchinson, T.S. (2025). Adult Children of High Conflict Parents: Find Freedom From your Past, Heal the Pain of Toxic Relational Trauma, & Cultivate Lasting Self- Love. New Harbinger: CA.

#AdultChildrenOfHighConflictParents #RelationalTrauma #TraumaHealing #HealingJourney #HighConflictParents #MentalHealthAwareness #SelfWorth #PersonalGrowth #DrTracyHutchinson