We all experience grief and many losses in this lifetime.
It is a part of the human condition. Grief can be defined as the symptoms and reactions that accompany the loss of something in our lives. We grieve over the loss of loved ones, sudden deaths, not-so-sudden deaths like loved ones in hospice care, and the loss of our beloved animals. However, there are other types of losses that we must grieve such as the loss of our former life that may be associated with divorce or the ending of a relationship. Perhaps the loss of an old life and old friends that may accompany recovery from an addiction, or the loss of a role we may have had such as a caretaker.
For example, recently I was talking with a client who had been caring for her mother who had fallen down the stairs. Her mother had to move into her home for months. My client struggled to find the time to take care of her family, work full time, and wait on her “hand and foot” as her mother could not move. She provided her meals 3 times per day, helped her bathe, and did other activities of daily living. Therefore, this became a part of her daily routine for months.
After many months her mom was healed and was able to live on her own. My client was shocked to find herself dealing with feelings of loss around the care taking of her mother. Although she knew she would miss her, she did not think she would miss being a “home health aide”. She expected feelings of relief when her mother moved out but was overwhelmed with feelings of sadness because that had become a part of her daily routine. Therefore, she needed to mourn the loss of that aspect of the relationship. Many parents experience similar feelings when children leave the house, otherwise known as the “empty nest syndrome”. The process of grief also accompanies these events. Although our loved ones may still be living or our old jobs are still around, our vibration and energy are no longer associated with this environment. This process can also be known as grief or loss.
Whether you are grieving the loss of a beloved person in your life or the loss of an event or circumstance, theorists offer some guidance on how people grieve. Each of us responds to loss in different ways. Grief is as individual and unique as you are.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, famously known for her grief work, described the 5 stages of grief:
- Denial and Isolation: You may use defense mechanisms and deny the loss of your loved one or event, or may withdraw from daily activities or things you used to like to do.
- Anger: You may become angry with the Doctor who was caring for your father in hospice and thinks he was the cause of his death. Perhaps you are angry with God if you believe in a higher power. It may be directed inward or outward.
- Bargaining: I like to call this the guilt factor, the “I would have and should have”- “If only I would have answered the phone sooner, the accident would have been avoided”, etc. The survivor often has feelings of guilt associated with the loss and wishes they could have done something different.
- Depression: Feelings of sadness, regret, crying, irritability, sleeping too much or too little, appetite changes, and feelings of helplessness and hopelessness are all signs of depression. Please realize these are NATURAL reactions to losses and do not mean you have depression, you may just be responding to the event in a human way, because you are human if you are reading this.
- Acceptance: Finally able to accept the loss and the above signs diminish.
You may go through these stages, you may skip the stages and move around a bit, or you may be stuck in a stage. Counseling can help with the grief process. Talking about, thinking about, and writing about allows you to process your feelings and reactions so you don’t stay fixed in a stage. Research supports that talk therapy (coming to counseling) can help reduce these signs and symptoms. Your counselor may use other techniques that can help for multiple traumatic losses such as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), and Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), among others.
If you are not ready to come to counseling for help with grief, you can also help yourself in the following ways:
- Talk and talk some more: Talk about the loss with people you trust. Talk about all of your thoughts and feelings, if you can.
- Journaling: Write your thoughts and feelings in a journal. Also, try to express this uncensored. Research supports that writing can be just as cathartic (healing) as talking to a counselor. My male clients tend to think this is a “feminine” activity, but we are all human and feel and think, regardless of gender. If you feel more comfortable, place your writings in a secure location. If writing is not for you, then express it through another activity such as drawing or painting. It is the activity of processing in different ways that may help move through stages of grief.
- Join a grief support group: Groups are highly beneficial because you find out you are not alone and people are struggling with the same issues and circumstances that you are. You would be amazed at how similar we all are, groups show us this and help us buffer against depression, isolation, sadness, etc.
- Write a letter to your loved one: My client recently lost her son who was 19 years old in a car accident. She wrote a letter to her son, she wrote a letter to the driver of the car, and wrote letters to God expressing feelings of sadness, anger, helplessness, gratitude, and various stages. By writing a letter, you can express whatever emerges, including feelings of anger, confusion, or perhaps unfinished business between you and the one you have lost. Sometimes, we have unfinished business and some things are left unsaid. This is quite common as we may lose individuals unexpectedly, or more often not express what we really want to say when they are living. Remember, it is about getting your feelings out whether verbally, on paper, or in prayer. This is what is cathartic and can help with the healing process.
- Pray, meditate: If you believe in a higher power, pray to your higher power for guidance and support. Research supports that prayer and meditation helps buffer against many “negative” emotions.
In sum, experiencing grief can be an overwhelming transition for you and nothing can account for the loss you have encountered in your life. It may have “hit you harder” than you thought, and the feelings may rise and flow like the tides over periods of time. Although transitions are not easy but are an inevitable part of life. They help us learn and grow by moving us out of our comfort zone. Hopefully, you can learn and grow from your experience but first it is imperative that you honor your feelings, feel them and process them so you don’t become “stuck.” Clients often ask “will I ever get over this?” That depends on how you look at the question- will you miss them forever? Probably. However, with processing and time, your symptoms will likely lessen. Grief may continue to come in waves over the years, but hopefully those waves of emotion will have more time in between them and you can focus more on the blessings rather than the loss.