Need tips on how to recover from being ghosted? Here are 8 things that may help.

It’s not Halloween, and you were just “ghosted”.

Simply stated, ghosting is when someone suddenly stops communicating with you without telling you why. This is becoming an increasingly common method of terminating a relationship. Researchers state that it is a one-sided dissolution strategy where all communication is cut off with no explanation, both temporarily or likely permanently (LeFebvre et al., 2021). Although the term commonly refers to romantic relationships and modern online dating, this can occur in any relationship. Since the “ghoster” ends the relationship suddenly by stopping communication, it can leave the “ghostee” with unfinished business, confusion, and even tolls on their mental health.

Although there are limited studies on the phenomenon of ghosting, many clients deal with it particularly with the new norm of on-line dating. Ghosting can be considered emotionally abusive because it is a passive yet aggressive relational pattern that leads those who are “ghosted” with negative mental health effects such as low self-esteem, anxiety, betrayal, hurt, and confusion.

Why?

Ghosting leaves people with questions, hurt, and confusion. For instance, many self-aware clients often want to know why they got ghosted and ask, is it them or me? If you have a history of being ghosted, or people removing themselves from your life, it may be beneficial to explore that further with a therapist. However, researchers have uncovered that those who ghost may have personality characteristics that lead them to this easy exit strategy. For example, they may have high-conflict personalities and suffer from emotional immaturity, have avoidant attachment styles, or have undiagnosed personality disorders (i.e., Dark Triad, narcissism). Those with Dark Triad traits may engage in ghosting more often due to their lack of empathy, selfishly motivated perspective, and immaturity to have effective relationship termination (difficult conversations, etc).

For example, researchers explored participants (N = 341) with those high on Dark Triad traits (i.e., psychopathy, narcissism, Machiavellianism). Participants were in the early and middle stages of romantic and sexual relationships and had missed the “termination” phase of their relationships (thus engaged in ghosting behaviors as an end to their relationship). They found that those who reported ghosting someone in their past as an acceptable form of termination were more Machiavellian and psychopathic. Further, they found that those high in Dark Triad traits reported that ghosting was more acceptable to terminate short-term relationships (versus long-term ones).

8 Tips For Ghosting Recovery

1. Realize that no response is a response. Sometimes clients are confused at the abrupt ending and continue to reach out with wishes to hear from the ghoster for an explanation. It is important to realize that “not responding” speaks volumes and is a form of communication, even if it is one that you do not use.  Remember you deserve to be treated with courtesy and respect in any relationship which includes effective communication, not avoidance.

2. Reframe the ghosting: Try not to take it personally. As stated previously, the behavior of an abrupt and unexplained ending may have more to do with the ghoster. It may be beneficial to reframe your thoughts around this psychoeducation and research. They may have commitment issues (i.e., avoidant attachment styles) that have been present long before your interactions with them.

3. Avoid the temptation to generalize future relationship outcomes. It is important to recognize what I call ghosting trauma. Addressing ghosting trauma (or previous bad experiences) and having awareness not to engage in cognitive distortions such as generalizing and all-or-nothing thinking. Sometimes cognitive mindset traps such as “all women/men are like this” simply gives more power in the ghosters control and can affect your approach to future relationships.

4. Use mindfulness and self-compassion to heal. Self-compassion techniques can help acknowledge the hurt and grieve. This may differ depending on the length and frequency of interactions with the ghoster. For example, when the feelings come up, notice where you are feeling them in your body and instead of pushing them away or distracting yourself, say to yourself “this is a moment of suffering” and let the feelings pass. Also, realize that “everybody hurts” and you are not alone in your suffering, it is a part of common humanity (Neff, 2016).

5. Seek experiences with people that love and accept you for who you are. Process feelings with your loved ones and perhaps a therapist. The nature of having your feelings and experiences validated, heard, and understood is the key to healing.

6. Set boundaries. Do not engage with the ghoster again, if possible. Most likely this is a pattern of behavior for the ghoster (such as an avoidant attachment style). Rest assured you are probably not the first person (or the last) that this person has ghosted. Setting healthy boundaries for yourself is essential.

7. Understand emotional immaturity. Remember healthy people have empathy and perspective-taking. The ability to have “hard conversations” is a testament to adult emotional maturity. Most of us do not like conflict and endings can be hard, while ghosting is an easy option but not an honorable one. Additionally, having both empathy and perspective-taking decreases the likelihood of ghosting, as many self-centered and emotionally immature individuals may engage in ghosting chronically.

8. Move on. If you find yourself continuing to interact with people that suddenly disappear and then reappear, it may be time to look within. Those who had adverse childhood experiences and have been brought up in dysfunctional family environments may make excuses for their behavior, minimize their own pain, and engage in co-dependent relationship dynamics. Emotional maturity is the ability to see and deal with reality for what it is.

Copyright 2022: Dr. Tracy Hutchinson

References:

Jonason, P. et al (2021). Leaving Without a Word: Ghosting and the Dark Triad Traits. Acta Psychologica, 220. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.actpsy.2021.103425

L.Febvre, L. E., Allen, M., Rasner, R. D., Garstad, S., Wilms, A., & Parrish, C. (2019). Ghosting in Emerging Adults’ Romantic Relationships: The Digital Dissolution Disappearance Strategy. Imagination, Cognition and Personality, 39(2), 125–150. https://doi.org/10.1177/0276236618820519

Navarro, R., Larrañaga, E., Yubero, S., & Víllora, B. (2020). Psychological Correlates of Ghosting and Breadcrumbing Experiences: A Preliminary Study among Adults. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 17(3), 1116. MDPI AG. Retrieved from http://dx.doi.org/10.3390/ijerph17031116

Powell, D. N., Freedman, G., Williams, K. D., Le, B., & Green, H. (2021). A multi-study examination of attachment and implicit theories of relationships in ghosting experiences. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(7), 2225–2248. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075211009308